October 11

It's almost October 12, 2025, in about 10 minutes. It will be the anniversary of my horse accident during a barrel race. A year is a long time to get a doctor to agree that something was definitely wrong. I know my body. Finally found an outstanding doctor at Kansas University at the spine center. A little over a month out of surgery and I can feel the difference.  Almost no pain meds, that's a miracle because I've been on them for my back for about 10 years. No withdrawals at all. I am down to 2 pain pills a day from 6 to 8 a day. On bad days I still need 3 of them but it's still a far cry from what I was taking. Still in my back brace, well most times. Sometimes I do not wear it when I'm outside which is when I'm suppose to be wearing it. All in all I'm honestly feeling really good. Just need to be able to ride again. Tried but a short ride resulted in significant pain. I was not wearing my brace. 

It's 12:01 a.m. now so technically it's now the 12th. Saturday was the buckle blowout show, I did not attend.  I really didn't want to. Over coming this last accident will take a while. This is my 2nd severe accident.  On 7/7/2007 I bailed off a mare I had been riding, landed under her after freeing myself from being caught up. It lacerated my liver, no surgery needed, but took me months to heal, sleeping in my recliner. Both of her back hooves came down on my mid section. Took me years to get out of my head and ride again. I still have the horse that got my back to riding. I have a feeling I'm facing that again. I'm trying not to but I did finally get back to training and riding but everything,  the "what if's" still scare me, now I fear I will be back to square one. 

I don't trust any trainers here, to many bad reviews and out comes. That's why I just do it myself. I also think it's important I do the training because they are closer to me and haven't had a bucker yet. Knock on wood. 

I am currently working on my demons. Work in progress. 

I honestly think my Lena bred colt will be easy. He's pretty attached to me. 

Well it's late, took all my meds because it's been a rough pain day so off to bed. 

Goodnight friends.  

October 9th already

Doing a lot better day by day. I did over do it yesterday but we were gone a good part of the day. Remy got neutered yesterday,  went to hospital to see Chelsea, we went to a couple thrift stores to just do something, went to Sam's Club since we were in Liberty.  I was getting a little ouchy by the time we had to go get Remy from the vet. Came home with him and he was so doped up I held him for like 7 hours, gave him water with a syringe and gave him some raw honey because his gums were white. It helped right away. He did eat some food and started drinking out of the water bowl finally. Today it's like he never had surgery.  He's back to running around.  

Today stayed at home. Took a nap, had nightmare, woke up more tired than I was. 

Oct 3, 2025

Well today has been a super good day as far as pain goes. Did a lot of walking today, hyvee, walmart, Sams club. Went all the way to Liberty. By the end of it all I was sore where I had that small incision in my butt cheek. I need to ask if they did a bone graft. I think they did. Today has been my best day so far. Still grounded from driving until I see the Dr on the 14th. Still trying to figure out a way to not go back to work at all. Hah hah won't happen. 

I could have probably ridden today but I'm a little afraid 😨.  I want time with Dakota and Wrangler.  I want to being in Royal and start riding her again. Work with the babies. Still have to take it easy though. My balance is much better since my back is fixed. I haven't fallen since my surgery.  Has to be a record for me. Lol. Truthfully though. 

I'm trying to get off the pain meds completely. Ive been on them for at least 8 to 10 years. No addiction issues though. It just don't do anything for me. No high just makes me tired. 

Healing Update

It's October 2, 2025 and my doctors appointment is the 14th. Less than 2 weeks away and I still have my bad hurting days. I don't know what will happen if he doesn't release me to go back to work. I'm trying to get along without the pain meds, have cut way back, and muscle relaxers. 

Day 24 Post surgery

Today was a pretty good day considering it's been just over 3 weeks. At one point today I got ahead of the pain. I wore my brace but honestly only so much of that I can take. Took it off and felt good. Emptied feed into barrels, big no no, but I'm tired of not being able to do anything. I almost decided to ride today, but I didn't do it. Probably a good thing. 

We went and got feed today and did a few things in town. Had delicious Chinese that Wes made for dinner. 

Now it's 9:30 and I'm feeling the pain a little bit. Took my meds and my Tylenol. I am tired. I did tell Wes I didn't want to go back to work , he didn't say anything.  Johonna is afraid I won't come back so I guess I'll go back for now. I don't know. I'm not putting in for disability because I have to show tax returns which I haven't filed in over 10 years so I don't think that is an option. Plus there is a 5 month waiting period. So it's retire early or keep working so my retirement goes up. We'll I have until the 14th of October anyway which is my doctor's appointment to see if he will release me. Can't go back until he says so. 

My legs hurt so that's nerve pain tonight. 

Anyway that is today's update. 

Can't Wait

I can't wait to ride my mares and my gelding. 

Healing....sort of

Well I've had like 3 good days with my back. Incisions are healed. The insides are the issue, still hurts. Stayed in bed all day yesterday because I could,  woke up ready to face the day, picked up in the house just a little, without my brace, mistake.  

I went out in front yard with the puppies and watched them run around having fun. A guy on a bicycle rode by, I guess he's part of the gravel grinders race which I suppose is coming up. The chihuahuas barked, he just grinned. Lol. Gully was on the porch barking.  

My back is killing me now. Took my meds which I'm trying not to do plus 1000 mg Tylenol per my nurse. It's the nerve pain. My spine is actually ok since he fused it. 

I'm 2 weeks and 2 days out of surgery so I guess I'm doing pretty good. I'm just not one to be patient.  

I don't want to ride yet, it doesn't feel well enough to do that. I guess I really do want to but will follow my gut which says DO NOT DO THAT. 

I hate these bad days. 

I feel like I should be further along in healing but I'm on track. I'm use to being younger and healing faster. I hate that Wes has to do everything for me. I'm use to doing things on my own. 

I do not want to go back to work. 

I already got on medicaid now got to get on disability.  I've been fighting all I have to fight for to long. I just want to be home with Wes and and animals and the house, fix up the house, a place for the dogs and just be normal. I have certain horses I want to keep and others I would sell,  maybe. I mean whatever I have to do. 

I'm ready for Wes and I to just be home, together and do things together now that I will be healed up. Here is my little buddy Gizmo staying by my side yesterday. 

Surgery

September 5 had major back surgery.  I've been home 3 days from the hospital.  Today I've been up all morning  but starting to want to take my brace off and laying down for a nap. Can only be up for short time. I guess it's just healing.  

Pick up where I left off:

I still get very tired. It been a little over 2 weeks. Still have pain but it's surgical pain. The other pain was fixed when they fused my spine. That I am grateful for bit let me express to you if I can the searing pain that hits you like a train when you have a muscle spasm. Dear Lord it puts me on the ground almost. I know there will be no riding for a good while which kills my soul. I can't move fast so no working with the babies for a while. I really want to work with Luke, Magic and just ride Wrangler around the arena. Feeding is extremely hard for me. 

I really need to find someone to float Pera's and Rocky's teeth. I can keep weight on them. I so badly want to get Luke gelded but off work means no paycheck. I'm off at least 6 or 7 weeks. Honestly I'm going to try and get on disability. I'm just done with working. I'd rather work around here. I'm honestly thinking I may have to go to PT to get my strength back. I know I'm cranky and being a big baby but I'm trying not to be. I don't feel well, I hurt almost everywhere  and in places I never thought I would. Feels like they dug around in all my guts along with my back. If I could afford a massage therapist I'd go have one. I think it would help. 

I just want to feel normal again. It's been so long since I've felt "normal" I'm not sure what normal is. I wish xanax had a pain killer in it. Valium they gave me is a muscle relaxer, who knew? It's in the same class as xanax. 

Today is the 22nd of September and we put round bale out for the small pasture horses and the 4 together will get one put out Wednesday or Thursday before Wes goes for paintball because I can't pitch fork hay. 

I want to bring in Royal and Ice. The rest of the ones out in the big pasture I could and would sell. 

This may be the pain talking. 

While Wes is gone, I will stay in bed except to feed the entire weekend.  It's hard to move correctly without thinking about it.

Magic has grown and is so beautiful.  Riot has decided he belongs to Wes, Wrangler, Luke, Dakota, and Frankie are mine. I think Magic belongs to whomever. She is a wonderful filly. She and Luke are 2 yrs old so they will be a year behind on getting started riding because of my surgery. 

Oh cleaned out some of my friends list, people I know that were on there to spy. Had enough. 

Completion of Perfection

Let me introduce you to Dakota. She is an absolute dream. Her name should be Dreamer because I've dreamed of a horse like this. 

I rode her for the first time today. She is amazing.  A couple things to work on but nothing big. I am so proud of her. Don't get me wrong , I am so very proud of all my horses. 

I've had her a week. 

It's very hot here right now so rides are short. 

My herd is perfection now. I have very beautiful paint horses. 

Completion of Perfection

Let me introduce you to Dakota. She is an absolute dream. Her name should be Dreamer because I've dreamed of a horse like this. 

I rode her for the first time today. She is amazing.  A couple things to work on but nothing big. I am so proud of her. Don't get me wrong , I am so very proud of all my horses. 

I've had her a week. 

It's very hot here right now so rides are short. 

My herd is perfection now. I have very beautiful paint horses. 

Felt so free

Tuesday I opted not to take a shift at work because it was my client that they took from me and gave to someone else. I was dependable, the new person is not. Has not made her shift for a out 3 times now. Don't call me to do the job you took away from me. I told them I'd pass on taking that shift.

So instead of working I decided I'd take the day to do what I wanted. I rode my ole faithful horse Trick and galloped and he was so happy to be out riding. I felt free for the first time since my accident.

I also rode this beautiful hunk of a horse for about an hour. It was so nice. All we did was walk because he is green and I can't take another fall because of the accident on October 12, 2024. My doctor has ok'd me riding , she knows that I will be careful.

My beautiful dream that finally came true and it was my knight in shining Armour that made it all possible when we bought this place 13 years ago because it was perfect and set up already for my dream. This is half the horses I/we have. In total I have 18. I love and adore each and every one of them.

Now for the bad news that I got today.

I had another MRI last week because of the accident. It only took 7 months of fighting insurance to get it done. I couldn't get any answers from the ortho doctor on results so I went to my primary to get real answers. The ortho doctor would not make the referral so as usual my primary is finding me a good neuro to refer me to.

She compared my first mri to the recent one and found that not only is my bulging disk worse, it is pushing on my spinal cord and I have bone spurs from the arthritis that are poking my nerves.

Surgery to do a laminectomy is eminent.

Without it things will only get worse and she said in 10 years....... I said it won't take 10 years, it will be a lot sooner than that.

So for now I can ride but easily. It doesn't hurt when I ride oddly enough. We talked about that too. I ride in my own arena and I don't push issues with the green horses. A lot of times I will just play with them from the ground.

I have to admit the world that galloping took me to yesterday riding Trick was a peaceful one. It felt so great. It was a release. I can train on one and then go ride Trick for the freedom and the calm it creates. It's another world where everything else in life just goes away for a while. No one but another die hard equestrian would even come close to understanding this concept.

My horses are my asylum. 

There is only one man to thank for my dream and that is my wonderful husband. He made my dreams come true. He has sacrificed so much for me and put up with so much from me. He knows I'm tired but I want to get well and he steps up to help with chores. If he knows I'm riding and I sneak off to do it sometimes, he will come out and piddle around and watch. 

He knows it changes me, puts me in such a good place. He truly was, is and always will be the one for me for many more reasons than just making my dreams co e true. He is a real man who knows how to stand by his woman, be gentle, be supportive. 

I love you my one and only Wesley. 

The Dream