I found something I thought I'd really enjoy doing with my horses, have been pretty excited about it. Then I, by accident, discovered that there is someone else doing the same thing. So with a 3 day event coming I now don't even want to go because I think they will be there. Now I'm not afraid of competition but I think there is more to becoming one with your horse than having someone do all the work and just riding vs doing all the work yourself and earning your spot. Besides that I've been made fun of by those types before who think they are above you and somehow give off the vibe of being superior to everyone else. Now don't get me wrong, having a trainer/coach guiding you is way different than having a trainer/coach that does all the work and just tells you how to ride the horse. I don't want to go into competition to be cut throat, beat my true friends. I want to do it to develop the bond between me and my horse and to become a team that finds fun in what we do.
Last night I was about in tears over it all but decided that I'm doing this for me, for Royal, for Kai and for whomever I decide to make a part of this journey. I still don't want to go on the 3 day event for the reason stated above but I've been advised to give it a try and not to let others make me feel small but to go out and enjoy myself and see to it my horse does the same. I can assure you it's easier said than done for sure. I quit competing years ago because there was no sense of team, it was always about knocking the teammates down no matter what or how. This bothers me. I want to congratulate my teammates even if we are competing for the same thing and tell them great job but it seems only a couple people I know think the same way.
I don't have the nicest rig but I do have nice horses that are happy, not burned out and not completely trained by others. I'd love to be able to have a trainer in my corner, which I actually do, that I feel like I can go to for a lesson or advice at any time really but I feel like I should be able to do it on my own. I've lost a lot of confidence since 2007 but it's much better than it use to be.
I was told not to give them my power ( the people) but to do it for me and my horse and fuck them. Again, when its rubbed in your face in subtle ways, the look what I have or the non- acknowledgement unless it's the obligatory one that's pretty obvious or the lack of interest after they no longer need you for anything it's rather hard to go and face that. I could go and not have a problem with having fun with my friends without a thought, its the other ones that whisper behind your back but smile at your front that gets to mme. My friends are sincere, the othhers are fake. Anyway just some thoughts and feelings that I've been having.
No comments:
Post a Comment